History of the World (LOL)
Category: News and Politics
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For those that don’t know about our history, here is the
condensed version:
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters and gatherers. They lived on deer in
the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on
fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and
the invention of the wheel. The
wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern
civilization ….
and together were the catalyst for the splitting of
humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals
2. Conservatives
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of
agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor
aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around
waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That’s
how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while
they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the
conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q’s and doing the sewing,
fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women.
The rest became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal
achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group
therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how
to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by
the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals
are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with
lime added),
but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish
but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard
liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their
women have higher testosterone levels than
their men. Most social
workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in
Hollywood and group
therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the
designated hitter rule because it wasn’t fair to make the pitcher also
bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud. They eat
red meat and still provide for
their women. Conservatives are big-game
hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen,
medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes,
members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works
productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives
who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern
the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals
believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most
of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to
America They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a
business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today’s lesson in world history:
It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary
urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.
A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of
the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately
to other true believers and to more liberals just to tick them off.
And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your
true self…..
